Glynda's Week Off
by skaianDestiny
Summary: A certain teacher at Beacon takes a well-deserved week off from work. Things escalate.
1. Prologue

Beacon Academy.

The most prestigious school for aspiring Huntsmen and Huntresses in the entirety of Remnant. While others could perhaps boast the most high-tech equipment or even the most numerous graduates, none could argue against the quality of Beacon's newly-minted elite.

There are many arguments as to _why_ Beacon gained such acclaim. Some say it's the neighboring city-kingdom of Vale, with its central location and abundant natural resources providing Beacon with plenty of supplies and equipment. Others say it's the students, whose variety of backgrounds and skillsets ensure a rich learning experience. Another theory states it's the curriculum, carefully constructed to be able to accommodate any and all trainees.

They'd all be wrong.

For what good would resources be without someone to direct their usage? What could students learn without someone to guide them? And what use is the curriculum when there is no one to put it into practice?

The true core of Beacon, the real reason why the school has garnered such fame, lies with its elite corps of teachers, Huntsmen and Huntresses both active and retired who have dedicated their lives to teaching and educating the bright young minds of the next generation, future defenders of human and faunus kind, heirs and heiresses to the mantle of beacons of Light against the Dark.

One such teacher has taken a well-deserved week-long vacation, leaving the rest of Beacon's educators to pick up the slack.

God help them.

* * *

Ozpin took a sip of his coffee.

One might think the position of Headmaster of Beacon, the overseer of the most prestigious Huntsman academy of all of Remnant, would be extremely challenging; a high-intensity career where one's mind and skill would be put to the test every single day.

The truth was it was extremely boring at times.

Oh sure, Ozpin had to fill out the occasional paperwork authorizing a new shipment of Dust, send out monthly reports to the Council and then listen to whatever complaints they had, and perhaps hand out some life-changing advice to any enterprising student whom he encountered on his random strolls throughout the campus. But the vast majority of his days were spent up in the tower drinking his coffee.

Today seemed to be no different. He lied back in his chair, letting the steady _tic-toc-tic-toc_ of the massive clockwork gears slowly lull him to sleep.

The slap of papers on his desk and the clearing of a throat broke his short slumber. Sitting up, he opened his eyes to a familiar face. Glancing down, he saw a small set of papers, and with practiced motion Ozpin pulled out his pen.

"Quite early for paperwork, isn't it?" he asked.

"It is currently one in the afternoon." A slightly irritated voice tinged with amusement could only belong to one Glynda Goodwitch.

Ozpin had known Glynda for a long, long time. She had proven time and time again to be a stalwart companion both on the battlefield and here as an educator. While there was no doubt things the two of them have disagreed on, things they continued to disagree on to this day, Glynda was someone Ozpin knew he could depend on from fighting Grimm to organizing an assembly for the first-year trainees.

"And it is seven in the morning in Vacuo. Time is merely relative; what may be early morning for one may be late in the evening for another." Ozpin absently said as he wrote out his signature.

"Save your insight for a student. You've already given me that excuse a week ago." Glynda retorted with harmless irritation.

Switching the subject, Ozpin asked, "So whose paid vacation am I authorizing today?"

At this Glynda actually looked…ashamed? Nervous? _How odd._ "That's actually mine. Sir."

A raised eyebrow. "Oh? I've never taken you for a vacation person Glynda." A pause. "In fact, the only other person I've seen work harder than you is Celeste when she gets into one of her moods. What brought this on?"

"I was actually talking with the woman a week ago. She mentioned her niece forcing her to take a break when the semester ended, and that reminded me I haven't used my vacation days either." She pushed her glasses up her brow. "After a bit of rumination, I decided it was time for me to have a rest from teaching for a while."

"With paid leave?"

"Of course."

Ozpin simply shook his head, a very slight smile on his face. "Very well. As always, you have all the paperwork in order. When are you off?"

"I'll be taking a Bullhead in the evening to Callie Spoils Resorts. The reviews are acceptable and the location is close enough that I can respond to anything that comes up back here."

Ozpin raised his eyebrow. "Are you saying this school would fall apart in the few days that you're absent?"

Glynda gave him a flat stare. "To be frank, yes."

Ozpin returned the stare, locking eyes with his longtime friend and subordinate. After a brief minute, he broke eye contact and shook his head, a short chuckle managing to escape his smiling mouth. "Glynda, I think you've been eavesdropping on the other staff members a bit too much. Your contributions are, while significant and certainly vital to the wellbeing of this school, aren't the sole factor preventing Beacon from descending into anarchy."

Ozpin gestured outside to the vast array of buildings that made up the campus. "The rest of the staff and even some of the students are more than capable of covering your absence."

Glynda's serious expression held on for a few scant moments before it melted into a smile. "Perhaps I have." She picked up the papers. "Although I'm a bit concerned how you're going to function without a steady intake of coffee each day."

Ozpin furrowed his brow. "What exactly are you implying here?"

The woman gestured to the mug that Ozpin just realized was nearly empty. "It's just I've never actually seen you get your coffee by yourself. I've always brewed and brought it to you."

"Glynda, I'm the headmaster of Beacon. If I didn't know how to operate a coffee machine we'd have plenty more problems besides any caffeine-related deficiencies."

Glynda simply shook her head. "Whatever you say. In any case…" She handed Ozpin a fresh coffee mug that she'd been holding all this time, which he accepted gratefully. "It's about time for me to return to class. Have a good day."

"As to you."

With a _ding_ , the elevator doors opened and closed, leaving Ozpin once more alone with the steady clockwork rhythm overhead.

 _As if I didn't know how to brew my own coffee. This week will be over without incident, that I'm sure of._

In retrospect, Ozpin realized that was his first mistake.

* * *

 **A/N: And here's the debut of my third fanfic: _Glynda's Week Off_! In which our ever-reliable riding crop-wielding Huntress takes a week-long vacation.**


	2. Day 1

**Day 1**

 **T-minus 6 days until the explosion**

Glynda awoke to an unfamiliar ceiling in an unfamiliar yet very soft and comfortable bed.

A brief surge of panic shot through her body before it was shut down by years of training and control. _That's right, I am on vacation_. She reminded herself.

With a sigh, Glynda relaxed herself into the bed, enjoying the softness. _When_ was _the last time I took a break from it all?_ Not one day in and she was already feeling odd not micromanaging the cacophonous mob that was the student population of Beacon.

Eventually she managed to push herself off the bed, and with a stretch and a yawn she set off to the bathroom to clean herself.

Thirty minutes later, Glynda was dressed in a simple purple blouse and black pants. After a quick glance at the mirror, she set off to the first stop of her "Six-Day Huntress Relaxation Package", a three-hour massage followed by a two-hour session of yoga and an hour of acupuncture. Once she had completed these exercises, Glynda made a note to herself to check in on Ozpin and make sure that all was running well at Beacon.

Despite the fact that her conscious brain knew she was no longer at Beacon, Glynda still took the same purposeful strides she had learned through years of teaching hallways full of highly individualized teenagers and young adults. Each step she took radiated both a sense of deliberate urgency and authority, and people had naturally given her a wide berth. Even the housekeeping staff rolling carts laden with cleaning supplies had steered around her rather than the other way around, and eyes honed from decades of hunting Grimm and fighting dangerous opponents noted the stares she got from families and the occasional businessperson.

Deliberating more on Ozpin and Beacon, Glynda decided to pull out her scroll and check on them. By now she would have already given Ozpin his morning coffee, and a small part of her worried for her boss and longtime friend. She once had the opportunity to see the man without his coffee.

It hadn't ended well.

By now she had entered the lobby area. Ducking into a secluded corner, she pulled out her scroll.

* * *

 _Beacon_

Regardless of any teacher absences, either due to a mission or more mundane excuses, classes must go on. As a result, Beacon's plethora of educators all have the capacity to replace one another in the classroom. In order to facilitate this, the school's class schedules are extremely flexible, allowing a single teacher to cover for up to five classes in a single day depending on the circumstances.

Some courses, such as history or Grimm studies, obviously require an individual with prior knowledge in those subjects, however other classes such as combat training and weaponsmithing could be taught with the educator's previous training as a Huntsmen or Huntress. In theory this meant that the students received an almost uninterrupted and "normal" learning experience regardless of any disturbances the senior Huntsmen and Huntresses must attend to.

Unfortunately for one group of students, the coming days would prove this woefully untrue.

"So after I boarded Captain Beakbeard's airship, Ren and Pyrrha snuck under the airship using their flying unicorn-werewolves!" A girl's hyperactive voice reverberated throughout the hallway.

"They were actually pegasi." A much more mellow and tired boy, Ren, answered.

"And so while I distracted the evil pirate Nevermore, Ren and Pyrrha planted like a thousand pounds of C4 to the bottom of the ship…"

"It was only a hundred pounds of dynamite."

"When I finally cornered Beakbeard and whacked overboard, he revealed his greatest secret…" She leaned in conspiratorially to her friends, who were in various states of interest. "…he could _fly_ ," she whispered dramatically, as if a giant pirate raven Grimm who was the captain of an airship knowing how to fly was the biggest twist in the world.

"No…" A certain gray-eyed sniper-scythe-wielding girl named Ruby whispered in astonishment.

"Unbelievable…" Her sister Yang was in a similar state.

"Never would have guessed." A girl with snow white hair added in deadpan.

"Shocked, shocked! With this revelation, I barely moved out of the way from his talons, which in a single strike broke the airship in two!" She punctuated her statement by making an exaggerated slicing motion through the air, nearly striking Ren who barely flinched.

"He only cut the wing in half." The boy dutifully said.

"But I had one last advantage Beakbeard lacked…" A dramatic pause. "Raspberry pancakes!"

"They were blueberry."

"With no time to spare I _launched_ the pancakes straight into Beakbeard's remaining eye, blinding him and causing the foul fowl to crash directly into a volcano!" She pantomimed an explosion, presumably what happened when the bird pirate flew into the volcano.

"It was only a cliff. He was crushed by a landslide."

"It was then I realized that Jaune was still trapped on the airship! The dress he had on would prevent him from spreading his wings and flying off!"

The sisters gasped in shock. The other boy in the group, however, asked in disbelief, "Wait, since when did I have wings?"

"Since you asked that leprechaun where his gold was, duh." The intrepid storyteller replied as if it was the most logical thing in the world. "Anyway, there was no time for thought, so I-"

"Looks like we're here." Blake said.

"Aw come on." Nora pouted, dismayed at having been interrupted. "I was just getting to the good part."

"You can tell it to us during lunch time Nora." Pyrrha reassured her teammate. "You know how Glynda is about interruptions."

"Fiiiiiine." The girl's dismayed expression barely lasted more than a second before she rounded on her taller companion. "Oh! Ren let's see if we can grab those front seats!"

Before Ren could offer even the most token of resistance Nora whisked him off into the doorway.

"Come on Pyrrha," Jaune said to his partner. "We'd better catch up with them."

As the duo raced through the door, Ruby called out, "Hey guys wait up!"

Dark blue eyes observed the exchange with a sneer.

"Yo Cardin!" A mohawk-topped teen walked up to the red-head with a raised hand. "How're ya doin' ma man?"

Cardin barely offered a grunt, continuing to glare at the doorway.

"Uh, okay."

"Hey Russel, what's up with Cardin?" A blue-haired boy, Sky Lark, asked.

Russel shrugged. "I dunno. He's been glaring at the door like it was some faunus that spat in his drink."

"Maybe he stubbed his toe again?"

Russel turned to his larger companion. "Cardin did you stub your toe again? I think Dove has some bandages. They even have puppies on them! You like puppies on your bandages right Cardin?"

Cardin grumbled. "Jaune Arc."

Russel furrowed his brow as he asked, "What?"

Sky on the other hand, brought a hand to his chin. "I don't think they sell bandages with Jaune's face on them."

Cardin finally tore his gaze from the doorway. "No, you idiot! Who wants that punk's face on their bandages?" Seeing their blank expressions, Cardin let out a weird sigh-grunt combo. "You know what, nevermind. Let's get inside before Glynda has our heads."

* * *

As with any school, whether it be for everyday citizen or for aspiring wielders of extremely deadly weapons, the first couple of weeks, or even months are filled with insecurity and awkwardness as students and teachers begin to learn one another and get used to the hectic class schedule. By the midpoint of the semester, however, everyone has grown comfortable with their "niche", and school settles into a sort of rhythm.

It was this rhythm that worked against the incoming students as they took their places among the stands of the combat arena. Merrily chatting to one another and jostling for position, they didn't notice a portly mustached man standing in the place of a blonde caped woman. It was only when he cleared his throat and yelled out a, "Good day students!" did they finally notice.

Whispers erupted around the stands. Like every school, be it a fight or a giant stuffed bear racing through the halls, anything that deviated from the established rhythm was worthy of discussion, and by extension, gossip. Team RWBY was no exception.

"Why is Port teaching G's class?" Yang asked.

"Do you think something happened to her?" Ruby added with a tinge of worry in her voice.

"I'm sure," Weiss said. "That if Professor Goodwitch became ill or otherwise incapacitated, they would have announced that."

"Wouldn't that just make people worried? They might just keep everything under wraps to keep us calm." Blake countered.

"Well there's only one way to find out isn't there?" And with that, Weiss raised her hand.

Almost immediately people quieted down, and everyone was near silent once Port had called upon Weiss, eager to learn what had happened to their strict yet fair teacher.

"Yes, Miss Schnee?"

As the heiress to the most successful Dust company in all of Remnant, Weiss was trained to remain poised and elegant in both the ruthless corporate boardroom and in front of potentially hundreds of thousands of people. Thus she had kept her cool even with all the eyes fixated on her and waiting with bated breath.

"Why are you substituting for Professor Goodwitch?" Short, simple, and to the point.

"Good initiative Miss Schnee!" Port clapped his hands. "I have been waiting for someone to finally speak up. Being able to gather information is a vital part of a Huntsman's, or Huntress's, duty.

"As for your question, our good friend Goodwitch has taken off on a well-deserved vacation. For the remainder of the week, I shall be filling in her position as combat instructor until her return."

The room exploded.

…

Figuratively, with talk.

"Professor Goodwitch is on vacation?"

"Has she ever done that?"

"My sister graduated from Beacon and she like, never _ever_ saw her take a break."

"Wait, Port's teaching? Damnit I actually wanted to get something done!"

"Hey don't rag on Port man. I like his stories."

"I need to pee."

Port cleared his throat again. "Ahem, yes, you in the back!"

The student in question asked, "So why you specifically?"

"Well don't we have an inquisitive group today!" Port let out a hearty chuckle. "I'll have you know Ozpin assigned me this position personally!"

* * *

 _Earlier that morning…_

Ozpin rubbed his eyes as he walked over to his desk. A fog of lethargy had settled over his senses as he groggily pulled up his chair and dropped himself onto it. _If only I had my morning coffee._

Uncharacteristically irritated, Ozpin muttered, "Glynda should have been here by now-oh." _That's right_ , he thought with a grimace. _She's off on vacation_. Which meant he had to get his coffee by himself.

A grunt escaping his lips, Ozpin reluctantly and with great effort tore himself out of his chair. As he approached the elevator, his drowsy mind barely registered the _ding_ that signalled its opening, and almost ran into Peter Port.

"Ah! Ozpin! I was looking for you," the stout Huntsman said.

"Ergh." _Too loud._ "Hello…Peter."

Port tilted his head, voice tinged with concern. "Are you okay, old friend?"

Ozpin rubbed his temples. "It's…I'm alright, Peter. Just haven't had my morning coffee. Glynda usually takes care of that."

"What a coincidence! I was coming to talk to you about that." Port stepped aside to allow Ozpin into the elevator.

The taller man managed to hold back a sigh. He didn't dislike Peter Port, far from it. The man had put a lot of unconditional trust into Ozpin as a leader, much of which Ozpin felt was undeserved. Unfortunately Peter had, with good reason, a reputation for being rather bombastic among those who spend more than two minutes with him.

Normally Ozpin could tolerate his antics and sometimes even welcomed them. However this was not one of those times. _An entire elevator ride with Port while I'm suffering from caffeine withdrawal._ Sometimes he regretted getting an office on the highest tower at Beacon. The mystique and opulence had seemed very appealing at the time.

"Very well old friend," he said as the elevators closed. "Just, try not to be too loud."

"Not to worry. Unlike what the students think, I _do_ have an inside voice," Peter said with a chuckle.

Ozpin joined with a smile. "Alright, so what is it?"

"I was taking my morning stroll when I passed by the combat arena. There I remembered that I and the rest of the staff have never received a notice about who was to fill Glynda's position. I was wondering whom you had in mind."

Oh he wasn't in a state to deal with that. Stuff like this he normally left to Glynda, who would prepare a list of teachers who were suitable replacements. _Actually, Glynda_ should _have left something dealing with this issue._

Now, three things played into Ozpin's resulting decision.

The first was that he was halfway down the tower. Even if Glynda had left a note, he couldn't access it at the moment.

The second was that Peter was currently waiting for a response. To have the headmaster of Beacon appear so unprepared would reflect poorly on his image.

The third was that Ozpin was presently suffering from caffeine-related mental deficiencies. Had he had his regular cup of coffee, he wouldn't have even needed a list; he could name a teacher right off the bat. Had he had his normal cup of coffee, he would have not even given a passing thought to image; Peter was a friend and there was no one else in the elevator.

Sadly good decision-making wasn't going to be one of Ozpin's strengths these coming days.

"I was thinking you'd be the one to fill in for Glynda's classes."

"Really?" Peter let out a laugh. "Well that's splendid news my friend! I'm honored that you believe me worthy of such a noble duty!"

And there was the loud. Ozpin placed two fingers on his brow. _Ugh, my head_. Mercifully it was then the elevator doors dinged open.

"Well I'll be off, got only an hour before the students come rushing in." Peter stepped out of the elevator with a backwards wave. "I've already got a few ideas to make class _interesting_." As he walked off into the distance, Ozpin could hear the shorter man let out one of his hearty laughs.

"What exactly have I done?" Ozpin asked to no one in particular. Before he could ruminate further, Ozpin received a call on his scroll.

To his relief it was Glynda. With no hesitation he answered it, revealing the blonde woman's face.

"Ah, Ozpin, good to see you're doing well," she said.

"Glynda," he said as he began his stroll. "Not that I'm particularly unhappy to see you, but if I recall correctly vacation doesn't entail calling work."

"Oh please," she scoffed. "When you're one of the people in charge of making sure the school where the next Huntsmen and Huntresses are trained doesn't fall apart, you'd check in at every opportunity as well."

Ozpin smiled. "Well I can't exactly deny that."

Glynda moved her face closer to the screen. "You look rather haggard today, Ozpin. Are you alright?"

Ozpin waved it off. "It's nothing. Just need my morning coffee."

She smirked. "Oh really?"

 _Alright time to cut this off before she gets smug about it_. "I suspect you have another reason to contact me besides my coffee?"

Almost immediately the playful look was replaced by her business face. "Actually, yes. Just before I left I placed a paper with the candidates for my substitute on your desk. Have you already chosen someone?"

"As a matter of fact, I have."

Glynda nodded. "Good. Really, anyone in the school could have filled in." A pause. "Well except for Port. The man has his heart in the right place, but just a hint of combat and he goes overboard. Thankfully we won't need to worry about that."

 _Oh shit_. "Indeed."

She glanced to the side. "I think that's all for today. I'll check in tomorrow at noon. Good day Ozpin."

He nodded. "As to you."

And with that, the call ended.

For a while Ozpin stood there, considering whether or not he should recall Peter before any damage was done.

 _You know what, what's the worst he could do? It's only a week_. _Now where's the coffee machine?_

That was Ozpin's second mistake.

* * *

"Now, with the upcoming Vytal Festival I'm sure _all_ of you just can't _wait_ to participate in the various events and sample the plethora of foods from all over Remnant. In addition, the Festival offers _plenty_ of opportunities for young and aspiring Huntsmen and Huntresses to expand your network of contacts throughout the other three Kingdoms as well as secure potential jobs in many important positions."

Port had started pacing around the front of the arena, his naturally loud voice filling the room.

Already a quarter of the class had fallen asleep.

Ruby had pulled out paper and pencil. Weiss had brought out some of her cosmetic supplies. Blake produced a book out of somewhere. Yang borrowed a marker from Ruby and drew open eyes on her eyelids, falling asleep soon after. Jaune and Pyrrha were reading a new issue of X-Ray and Vav. Nora was sleeping. Ren was in the bathroom.

"But maybe you seek more than just simple material goods and nourishment. Perchance you desire something more _physical_ than simple knowledge. And perhaps you wish to test your skills against a foe that is a little less mindless than the Grimm."

Port stopped his pacing, turning to stare directly at his audience of teenagers in various states of boredom.

"The Tournament. Just as Man has fought Grimm since the dawn of time, so too has Man fought Man. A sad fact, but one we must deal with all the same. Fortunately, tournaments provide us with an outlet for violence against our fellows in an entertaining manner. And so…"

Ruby had finished her drawing of Port in Glynda's outfit and hairstyle. She showed it to Weiss, who immediately and instinctively leapt backwards to distance herself from the revolting image. She collided into Blake and caused the latter to drop her book, revealing another, smaller book hidden behind it. The cover of the smaller book was black, and Ruby could make out red letters spelling out "Ninj", however the rest were hidden by the larger book. Before she could investigate further, Blake had snatched the books back into wherever she procured them from with frantic eyes and a slight color to her cheeks.

The commotion drew the attention of the surrounding students, fortunately Port was too engrossed in his monologue to care.

"…and the day that someone brought a turnip to the Vytal Tournament was a day to remember indeed! He won it too." Port paused to place a hand on his chin. "Why, that reminds me of the time I took on an entire mob ring with nothing more than my bare hands!"

A collective groan escaped the throats of all the students present.

* * *

 _30 minutes later_

"…the look on their faces as I rode an Alpha Beowolf into their hideout, priceless!"

Only a third of the students were awake. Ruby had joined her sister in slumber, while Weiss had started phase 4 of her 15 phase make-up procedure. Blake had buried her head even further into her book, her face flushed red. Nora was still sleeping, while Jaune and Pyrrha had a pile of comic books beside them.

At some point Ren peeked his head in, saw Port still talking, and left.

The only person who seemed to be doing anything productive was a rather average-looking student near the back, who had started furiously writing down notes as Port rambled on about mobsters and fisticufts.

He was in the middle of describing how he took out twenty "fiendish foes" with a crate of butter when a loud snore reverberated throughout the arena. The ones with still-open eyes turned to the source: a certain blue-eyed redhead slumped backwards in his seat.

"Cardin Winchester!"

Jolting upright, Cardin blurted out, "I like the pink ones!" Understandably this caused quite a few snickers.

"Mr. Winchester," Port began. "Thank you for reminding me that we _do_ have to actually use our time here for combat. Your team gets the first go in the arena. Now," Port gestured grandly to the other students, who were starting to wake up. "Who shall be your opponent?"

With a smirk, Cardin scanned the crowd. Some red-brown-haired girl was eagerly jumping up and down and waving her arms. She was promptly ignored as Cardin found his target, smirk morphing into a toothy smile.

"I choose Team JNPR."

"Wait, what?" Jaune looked up from his comics. "Oh, hey Cardin. Um, could you, ah, repeat what you said?" The boy's face colored slightly as the snickers doubled.

Fortunately Pyrrha came to his rescue. "We would be _honored_ to spar against you, Cardin." She flashed a diplomatic smile.

"Very well!" Port clapped his hands. "Why don't you let Ms. Valkyrie-"

The girl bolted upright. "Pancakes!"

"-fetch Mr. Ren from the library, and then we'll get started with a good ol' round of fisticufts!"

"…how'd he know Ren was at the library?" Jaune whispered.

Pyrrha laid a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's get changed."

On the other side of the stands, Russel asked Cardin, "Why are we fighting Team JNPR?"

"Been meaning to get back at the brat. Last time I said I wouldn't hurt his 'friends'," Cardin scoffed. "Can't do it directly, but if we challenge them in the arena we can wail on them as much as we like without getting in trouble."

"Wow," Russel said. "That's clever."

"It is fairly well thought-out," Dove agreed.

"Of course it is," Cardin replied with a confident grin. "Come on, this'll be a fight to remember."

"What a fight to remember!" Port enthusiastically applauded with the rest of the students. "Bravo, bravo!"

Across from him were the slightly fatigued members of Team JNPR. Looking to each other, they nodded, raising their weapons into the air in triumph.

"Mr. Ren," Port addressed the ponytailed teen. "You did excellent in unarmed combat. I haven't seen someone use combat tai-chi in such an elegant manner since my yoga instructor!"

"Thank you, sir."

"Ms. Valkyrie-" "Yeah!?" "-that was some superb work with your hammer. Reminds me of the time I used two Beowolves as clubs!"

"Oh that sounds cool! Ren we should _totally_ do the Beowolf-club thing too!"

"Later Nora."

"Mr. Arc." Port turned to the blonde boy. "While your personal ability was rather lacking at times, you demonstrated an excellent tactical mind, using your team's strengths to their maximum potential and covering for their weaknesses. It's good and all to be the strongest, but aimless strength is useless strength. I can see why Ozpin chose you as leader."

Jaune beamed. "Thank you, sir."

"Oh, and _excellent_ idea using your face to block Mr. Winchester's mace. The opening allowed Ms. Nikos to land the decisive hit that finished the match!"

The smile dropped like a brick tied to a Deathstalker. "Oh, I-uh…" His shoulders slumped in defeat. "Thanks…"

"And finally, Ms. Nikos." Port crossed his arms behind his back. "Fantastic job in the arena. I expected no less from the five-time tournament winner."

Pyrrha smiled. "Thank you, sir."

"Just a small bit of advice for the future." Port stared directly into Pyrrha's eyes, voice uncharacteristically serious. "Not everyone plays fair. There will be a time that you won't have all your tools in your toolbox."

Pyrrha dipped her head in a bow. "Thank you for the advice, Professor Port."

"Now, as for Team CRDL…" Port turned to the groaning collection of teenagers. "…while you're all capable fighters, your team coordination needs more work. Especially you, Mr. Winchester."

"Yeah, yeah." Cardin said as he stood up.

"Very well, you're all dismissed." Port glanced at the clock. "Looks like we have time for one more round. Are there any volunteers?"

As Team JNPR and three members of CRDL made their way up the stands, eight hands shot up.

"Ah, perfect! Team RWBY and Team MYOO, go ahead and get yourselves ready. Yes Ms. Schnee?"

Weiss put her hand down. "Sir, aren't we going to clean the arena?"

Port turned back to the arena.

A disaster area was one way to describe it. A traffic accident was another.

There were craters of varying sizes on the walls and the floor courtesy of Cardin's mace and/or Nora's grenade launcher. Chunks of uprooted concrete dotted the floor, and there was a hole-

"aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH-!" _CRASH!_

-two holes in the ceiling, marking the exit and entry points of a certain Sky Lark, who was currently lying flat in a hole in the stands. He added to the many, many indentations shaped suspiciously like members of Team CRDL scattered throughout the room.

All in all, it was a hazard to the elderly and small children.

"Hm, you are indeed correct Ms. Schnee," Port said with a hand on his chin. "However! We all need a bit of spice in our lives, and that extends to arena fighting. Having a bit of debris in the way only makes things interesting!"

* * *

Yukari Hisui was pissed off.

She had come to Beacon to prove her family proud. To uphold the ideals that governed the life of a Huntress. To do her duty to protect humanity from the Grimm darkness that surrounded them. She expected host of professional and elite fellow trainees and a serious and strict teaching staff dedicated to the education of new defenders of humanity. And perhaps for some members of these groups, it was true.

"Hey sis, ya wanna see how fast we can headstand walk down the stairs?"

"Only if we do it backwards!"

"You're on!"

Instead she was stuck with these…these charlatans!

They were the Ochre twins, Amber and Onyx, and they were the antithesis of everything Yukari was taught Huntresses were: loud, bratty, obnoxious, sloppy-

"OHGODLOOKOUT!"

"AIIEE!"

-and very, _very_ unprofessional. As she passed them by she wanted to scream at them about how _stupid_ they were acting. How could they expect to protect the Kingdoms when they acted like _children_?

But instead, she continued straight forward and uttered, "Please don't dawdle. We don't have time for trifling about."

"Ugh, fine," the twin with shorter hair, Amber, grudgingly acquiesced. "Come on, sis, race ya to the lockers!"

Onyx yelled an affirmative and soon the siblings were gone from her sight. Inwardly she sneered, but she forced those feelings away. It was no use antagonizing her teammates just before a no doubt tough fight. Team RWBY was a very skilled group individually, and she had no doubt they were even more dangerous together.

"Yo, Kari," her leader, Henry Marble, said. "Let 'em have their fun."

Out of all her teammates, she had the most respect for Marble. Yukari would freely admit she wasn't leadership material. She was much better at taking orders rather than giving them. After Marble had managed to organize their disparate group to take down a giant Boarbatusk, she had no complaints when Ozpin named him leader.

Then they started class, and Marble revealed his _horrendous_ work ethic.

She afforded him a glance. "I'd rather not have half our team waste their energy before facing a challenging opponent."

After a bit of silence Marble spoke up. "Kari, you should lighten up a bit." Marble said with what Yukari noted was a touch of concern. "I don't think I've ever seen you smile the entire semester."

She bit back a comment about his nickname for her. "Marble, we are training at the most prestigious school for Huntsmen and Huntresses in all of Remnant." She stopped at the entrance to the girls' lockers to look back. "We will be the first and last line of defense for humanity. We can't afford to 'lighten up'."

And with that she pushed through the door.

Henry ran a metal hand through his dreadlocks with a sigh. "How am I supposed to argue against that?"

* * *

The two teams had assembled around the center of the arena, or as close to it as possible given the debris.

"As usual, standard tournament rules apply…" Port announced.

The teams had pulled out their weapons fully transformed as they waited for Port to finish his little "speech". Ruby had planted Crescent Rose into the ground. Weiss perfected her fencing stance. Yang was hopping side-to-side shaking her wrists. Blake was…still reading a book. Henry threw out a few quick jabs before extending his arm blades and trying some experimental swings. Amber had arranged her miniature suns into a smiley face, while Onyx had given the face a mustache and top hat of ash. As for Yukari, she kept her tower shield and spear-sword, Touku and Tonbogiri, at the ready, eying her opponent.

Marble had decided on a "divide and conquer" strategy: Amber will focus on taking out Schnee with Onyx running interference. Marble will keep Xiao Long as busy as he could, while Yukari herself was determined to be the most capable of weathering Belladonna's relentless attacks. It was nonetheless going to be a tough one, and everyone needed to concentra-

"Hey Yang!" "How're ya doin', girl?"

Yukari snapped her head to the twins.

"O 'n A! Whassup?" Xiao Long waved her hand.

"Oh the same ol' same old." Amber waved a dismissive hand.

"Ya ready to get yo ass whooped like in Signal?" For emphasis Onyx waved her chimney sweep brush, ash following like a school of dusty burnt fish.

"Not unless you want me to serve you up a knuckle sandwich!"

Yukari felt her eye twitch

"Yang, you never told me you knew them." Rose said.

"These two were some of my homies in Signal. Hey guys!" She pulled Rose into a hug. "Here's Ruby! Isn't she the bee's knees?"

"H-hey, Yang-!"

"Aw, she's so adorable!" "Oh I just wanna pinch her cheeks!" the twins exclaimed.

After a bit of thought, Marble admitted, "She does look pretty cute."

Yukari's eye started twitching more.

Fortunately it seemed Port had finished. "Well seeing as we've already traded some pre-battle banter, I believe it's time we actually started this round of roughhousing!"

Yang let go of Ruby, everyone getting ready for the imminent fight. Yukari took a deep breath, bringing up Touku.

"Begin!"

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

 _BANG!_

 _CLANG!_

Yukari grunted as the massive sniper-scythe slammed once more into Touku, her feet sliding an inch.

As the smaller girl recovered from the swing, Yukari thrust Tonbogiri forward in an underhand grip, aiming at the girl's chest.

Rose was quick enough to bring up her scythe and block the blow, however the force launched her backwards. Landing on her feet, red-clad girl dashed forward amid a flurry of rose petals and was once again swinging the oversized weapon against Touku, shell cases raining down around them as scythe met shield.

 _BANG!_

 _CLANG!_

The Schnee heiress had proven to be a slippery target, managing to dodge Amber and Onyx's attacks. Fortunately they had gotten lucky, a stray piece of debris tripping Schnee and allowing Amber to nail her with a sun and send the heiress careening into the arena walls.

Unfortunately things had gone downhill from there. A blitz by Rose had left Amber in a similar state to Schnee, and Onyx was barely holding against Belladona, the girl parrying or dodging Onyx's various ash projectiles. On the other side of the arena, Marble was faring no better, his earlier momentum dwindling as Xiao Long's attacks seemed to grow in strength.

 _BANG!_

 _CLANG!_

 _BANG!_

 _CLANG!_

Yukari needed to disable Rose so she could help Onyx. She collapsed Tonbogiri into its sword form and folded up Touku to a more compact size. With the added maneuverability she closed in on Rose, forcing her on the defensive as Yukari unleashed a flurry of blows. Suddenly Yukari leapt backwards, folding up Touku even further. Seeing the opening, Rose brought her scythe back for a clockwise horizontal swing.

 _Just as expected_.

She only had a single chance. Mere moments before she heard the sniper-scythe fire, Yukari extended Tonbogiri and launched herself upwards. As she flipped forward, she thrust Tonbogiri downwards to where she predicted the scythe would be.

She was off by inches, Tonbogiri grazing the blade of the red weapon. Still, it was enough. She let her Semblance flow through Tonbogiri into the scythe, a thin purple outline enveloping Crescent Rose and freezing the weapon in place. Landing on the now-immobile scythe, Yukari sprung herself forward and nailed Rose in the face with a kick, the former landing on her feet while the latter flopping on her back with an "oof". By now Yukari's Semblance had worn off, and the sniper-scythe fell to the ground, the snath of the weapon landing on Rose's arm.

As Rose stirred, Yukari stepped on the scythe and a much thicker purple outline surrounded the weapon, freezing it and pinning Rose by the arm.

With no obstacles in her way, Yukari sprinted to where Onyx and Belladonna were fighting. Belladonna had closed to melee distance, and the difference in skill was apparent; Onyx was constantly on the back foot, unable to do anything more than try to block the much, _much_ faster girl's neverending attacks. Keyword being "try". Yukari shouldered Tonbogiri so it faced upwards and dashed forward.

Unfortunately speed came at the price of stealth, and Belladonna flashed into the air above Yukari as the armored girl reached her. _Got you_. With only a minor adjustment, Yukari pulled the trigger on Tonbogiri, shooting the spear upwards. A yelp of pain rewarded her, and Yukari pivoted and swung her spear to catch Belladonna as she fell.

She spared a glance at Onyx, who groaned as she pulled herself up, and charged toward Belladonna, spear poised overhead to strike. Belladonna dodged her attack, Tonbogiri dissipating the afterimage. Yukari switched to sword mode once more, preparing to whether another storm of attacks while Onyx composed herself.

A flash of red to her left.

Yukari barely managed to bring Touku up as she was _slammed_ into from the side, the metal sounding out a loud _clunk_ as it was hit with rose petals flying everywhere. While Touku absorbed most of the blow, she was still staggered, stumbling to the right and tripping over a hole from the previous spar to land heavily on her back.

She saw Belladonna appear overhead for a downwards slash, but before the two of them could do anything the girl was batted away by a flurry of ash projectiles. Yukari pulled herself up in time to block another charge by Rose, this time her Semblance enveloping Touku. As the blow struck the shield, the outline surrounding it shattered as Rose leapt off. This time Yukari remained on her feet nearly unmoved.

A twist of the wrist and she blocked Belladonna's sword, however the bladed sheath came from the side, and she barely deflected it with Touku, the weapon grazing her hair. As Belladonna was chased off by more of Onyx's ash, Yukari swung around Touku to block another one of Rose's charges, Semblance enveloping the shield.

 _Whoosh!_

To her surprise, Rose flew past her, avoiding the shield and Yukari entirely.

A flash of movement to her right.

Yukari jerked her head to the side as was greeted by the sight of Xiao Long hurtling toward her, fist cocked back to strike. She tried to bring Touku around to block but it was still locked in place, her own Semblance working against her. She only had time to let go of her shield and brace herself before the blow _struck_ , launching her backwards amid an explosion of flames and pain.

She skidded along the floor before leaping back up onto unsteady feet. Onyx had rushed to her side, ash hovering around them like a barrier. The remaining three members of Team RWBY had assembled themselves across from the two, taking advantage of the lull to compose themselves as well.

Touku, finally free, clattered to the floor.

Yukari gritted her teeth as she extended Tonbogiri. The odds were very much against the two of them, and- _why was there a bright light?_

"Y'all bitches thought you could extinguish _me_?!"

All heads snapped toward the light and sound, revealing Amber with arms reaching toward the sky and what Yukari could only describe was a shit-eating grin, a massive version of one of her suns hovering in the air.

 _She can't be serious…_ It was almost as big as the one that Amber used to take out the giant Boarbatusk. _The explosion would envelop half the arena!_ Yukari and Onyx had started to run away, and it appeared Team RWBY had the same idea, neither of them eager to be caught in the blast.

"I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BAB-WOAH-!"

Unfortunately it seemed Amber had strayed too close to one of the craters, the edge collapsing and causing her to lose her balance. In her panic, she threw her giant sun…

"LOOK OUT!"

"OHMYGOD!"

"RUUUUUUN!"

"I DON'T NEED TO PEE ANYMORE!"

…straight at the opposite stands.

* * *

Ozpin was rather peeved at the moment.

Despite exactly five hours and fifteen minutes of searching, he couldn't find a _single_ damn coffee machine anywhere on the campus.

 _Perhaps I should go ask Oobleck for some of his-_

 _BOOM!_

A large explosion rocked the campus, and several students fell to ground. Ozpin kept his footing and bearings, bringing his cane into a ready stance. _Are we under attack?_

Scanning the horizon, he spotted the smoke cloud coming from…the combat arena.

Where Port was.

Dropping his cane, Ozpin brought a hand to his face with a sigh. That killed his chances of finding coffee for the rest of the day.

* * *

Jack the Janitor (Senior-class) hummed as he trundled his cleaning cart along.

When he chose the job at Beacon, he honestly wasn't sure to expect. As it was the learning place for hundreds of burgeoning Huntsmen and Huntresses, perhaps there'd be an adventure everyday with the extremely diverse cast of quirky staff and students.

He hated adventure.

To his immense relief and joy, it turned out janitorial duties at Beacon was very much like every other place he worked at. With rare exception there were very little messes in the halls, and the ones that did occur he foisted onto the junior janitors.

He was on his way to the combat arena, the domain of a certain Miss Glynda Goodwitch. Jack always enjoyed cleaning her classrooms, as he very rarely needed to do much other than mop the floor. The fact that the woman was also quite the looker helped. _Mmm, those thighs~_

It was with a happy grin that he turned into the combat arena.

A grin that was almost immediately shattered.

"What the _fuck?!_ "

* * *

 **A/N: Poor Beacon. A damaged arena will be the least of their concerns.**

 **So for those of you who've read my other story _Azure Bonds_ and are worrying I've forgotten or abandoned it, fret not. As of the posting of this story, I've completed 2/3rds of the update before RL issues got in the way. I'll be working as much as I can on it.**

 **Anyway, I just can't write a crack fic, so this will just be a regular fic with a lot more humor. If you have your own ideas about how Beacon copes without a certain good witch around, feel free to contribute!**

 **Hope you enjoyed this!**


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